Signs of Global Warming at Lakeside
By Ed Tasca
It seems as though everywhere on the planet you look these days, weather patterns are changing, and climates, once predictable, suddenly turn on you like a bad drunk.
Given the predictably near-perfect nature of Lakeside weather, is it possible that global warming can disrupt in any way Lakeside’s revered climate and ecology? I think it’s time we all got real and took a closer look.
One. Rainfall shortage
Since rainfall throughout western Mexico is concentrated largely during the summer months, this past summer’s bashful rains, causing droughts, garden panic and water at mere intravenous supplies, provoked Al Gore to ask, “Lake where?”.
The rainy seasons are getting shorter, but are still closed between the hours of 2 and 4.
So where does the water go? Lake Chapala water losses - in an average year, according to ecology officials – occur as follows: 44 percent flows into the River Santiago, where it spends the winter hatching tons of bobo fly larvae, the inadvertent snacks you get while jogging along the lake; 31 percent evaporates and combines with cement dust to form a mist that gives us sightings of the Virgin Mary; 16 percent pools at the foot of Colon in Ajijic, leaving photoplankton stranded to rot, and sending tourists back into their surgical masks; 5 per cent is piped to Guadalajara, where the actual water content is removed leaving enriched uranium. The remainder is actually glue and mole sauce.
Two. High bacterial levels: The levels of pneumococcal bacterial in the lake water were measured not long ago at several hundred times higher than the levels currently found in any of the Great Lakes and 80 times higher than the maximum concentrations recommended by the Environmental Protection Agency for motel bed spreads.
Three. Insect Growth: Several new species of cockroach have been found in Jocotepec, mutations which actually enjoy sunlight and have been spotted splashing about at the hot springs.
Four. Algae growth: Explosive growth in blue-green algae gives the lake water a distinctive smell and taste, both of which have become quite popular among teens, and have been simulated for chewing gum varieties.
Five. Concentrations of heavy metals: Concentrations of heavy metals in certain aquatic plants, including the water hyacinth (Eichhornia crassipes) and bulrush (Typha latifolia) have exceeded recommended limits and one species of bottom-feeding fish is so engorged with the metals that several have been sighted crashing through man hole covers in Villa Nova.
Six. Infestations of aquatic weeds: Lirio (water hyacinth) had been removed from the lake, but has returned recently. Originally introduced as a garden ornament, the aquatic weeds made their way into lake waters where they flourished, hindering fishermen, encouraging insect infestation and, most critically, posing a risk to Gringos who try walking across them.
Seven. Fewer Fish: The lake once teemed with unique native fish, including species of highly-prized, delicate-tasting whitefish. Many are endangered today, although the whitefish despite their heavy concentrations of mercury are making a comeback, because Lakeside chefs find they can tell their temperature while they’re baking.
Other signs that Lakeside may be surrendering to climate aberrations:
Herons and egrets have begun moving inland, and are now arriving in greater numbers, many, it’s believed, are training to become real estate agents.
Tests of summer air show that carbon monoxide gases have exceeded cement dust as the air’s major component.
Tears coming from statues of the Virgin have been assayed as liquid methane.
Monarch butterflies are arriving in air-conditioned buses.
Carbon dioxide levels make the air so heavy, that fleeing muggers take an average 5. 2 seconds longer to find their getaway cars.
Hurricanes are getting more powerful (the word itself apparently named after a Mayan god). Mexican officials claim the tormentas thundering through Mexico’s new recycle dumps explains why the recyclables wound up again as general trash.
El Nino ocean currents are so permeated with methane gas, accompanying seabirds can be heard singing “Zeta Gas. Zeta Gas.”
What can we do to help? If you’re not asking that question, then you should be ashamed of yourself. I’m doing my part. Knowing the problem as they say is fifty percent of the solution. (What the other fifty percent is anybody’s guess.) But it’s time we stopped being so smug, and engaged in solutions. I for one think you should be telling publishers of magazines like this one who are publishing nonsense like this to stop. That would at least save paper, and it would also raise my Kindle stock prices. At any rate, it’s a start.
Editor’s note: Coming Next Month: Ed’s comic novel about a wayward heart transplant delivery.