Ask Carolyn

By Carolyn Comedo

DEAR CAROLYN: I confessed to Father Gregory that I indulge in what he calls the solitary vice. He said it was the most destructive pastime ever practised by sinful man and precipitates warts, blindness, impotence, sterility, heart disease, deafness, and cancer. I’m twenty-eight and according to Father Gregory I should be dead by now. Is he pulling a fast one?

SOLITARY SAM

DEAR SOLITARY: No. I think you are the one doing the pulling. You should know that self-abuse is precipitated by eating the wrong foods. Candies, cloves, peppermints, tea and coffee have sent thousands to eternal damnation. However, research has now shown that peppermint is okay.

DEAR CAROLYN: I am a 28 year-old man, married for 5 years. My wife says I should slow down when we make love. She appreciates efficiency everywhere else. Why not in the bedroom?

SPEEDY

DEAR SPEEDY: IT is a well documented phenomenon that, once sex is initiated, a woman is never finished, which means, of course, that you aren’t finished either. A rule of thumb is that a man should devote as much time to the sex act as it would take him to memorise War and Peace. Remember, when having sex with a woman one should organise the activity such that she also will recognise it as sex. One method of slowing down is to eat an apple while quietly reciting the passages from Paul’s First Epistle to the Corinthians that deal with marriage and sexual purity.

DEAR CAROLYN: I am 48 years old. So far in my life I have had 14, 996 orgasms. How many times can a man ejaculate during his lifetime?

STILL COUNTING

DEAR STILL: Unfortunately, you are nearing your limit. You only have four more to go.

DEAR CAROLYN: Last Friday was my husband’s birthday. After work a bunch of the guys took him out for a few drinks. He was feeling no pain by the time he came home so he stopped on the doorstep of our house, exposed himself and tied a pink ribbon around his you-know-what. Then he rang the doorbell expecting me to answer. Unfortunately, I had arranged a surprise birthday party. All of our friends and neighbours were inside waiting to shout, “Happy Birthday.” They were the ones who were surprised. He’s done stuff like this before. Do you think I should leave him?

SURPRISED

DEAR SURPRISED: No, I don’t. A boy wearing pink isn’t that much of a faux pas.

DEAR CAROLYN: My husband, Alex, asked me to buy some sexy underwear. I thought it would spice up our marriage so I did. When I went to put it on I couldn’t because Alex was wearing it. This caused a big fight which only ended when we agreed to take turns wearing the underwear. Everything is great when I have it on, but when it’s Alex’s turn all he wants to do is look at himself in the mirror. Any suggestions?

TAKING TURNS

DEAR TURNS: You only have a problem if you hear the mirror tell Alex that he is the fairest one of all.