By Carolyn Comedo
DEAR CAROLYN: To say my husband snores is an understatement. He simultaneously sounds like a motorcycle, a runaway train, a fighter jet in full flight and a tom cat in heat. All the while he whistles, moans, groans, jerks, mumbles and grinds his teeth. I’ve tried everything but nothing stops him. Last night I put my back against the wall and pushed him out of bed with my feet. He hit the floor with all the blankets wrapped around him, rolled over and never missed a beat. I spent the rest of the night shivering while he serenaded me from beneath the bed. I’ve heard that men snore when they have a guilty conscience. Is this true?
DEAR TIRED: It might be. Your letter hints that he may be asleep, which is one of the two states where men do exhibit symptoms of a guilty conscience.
DEAR CAROLYN: My husband’s mother died recently. She was afraid of the dark. Consequently, he has installed floodlights around her grave so she will not have to be frightened at night. He has also purchased a burial place for himself and installed a telephone between his mother’s gravesite and his plot. I think he expects me to pay the telephone and electricity bills after he passes on. Is this fair?
DEAR WAITING: No, it’s not. Have him buried with stationery and stamps. Then get the telephone disconnected.
DEAR CAROLYN: Two women from our drama group are best friends. They go everywhere and do everything together. I just heard they share an apartment. Do you think they are Lebanese?
DEAR WONDERING: No, I think they are thespians.
DEAR CAROLYN: I am an eleven-year-old girl. My sister is going to have a baby she got by sitting beside a boy on the bus. I sit behind a boy in my class. Will I get a baby by sitting behind a boy or do you have to sit beside him?
DEAR WORRIED: Don’t worry. You won’t get a baby as long as you keep sitting.
CONFIDENTIAL TO ONCE ENGAGED: Your situation is unusual. It’s rare for one to be simultaneously laid low by malaria, rendered legless from frostbite, abandoned by one’s parents, kicked by a horse, evicted from one’s apartment, lost at sea and deserted by a fiance. These situations do not often occur together. Yes, you should return the engagement ring.