Ask William

By William Franklin
This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

ask me


Dear William: My neighbor cut my cable line and now I can’t watch TV. What should I do?

Dear Cable less:  Do you have a library card?  Just kidding, really. Cutting off cable is unconscionable and deserves some aggressive act of revenge. Does your neighbor have security cameras?  If not I can think of dozens of things to get even.  Does he have a pool you can throw rocks into?  Pool owners hate that.  Does he have a wife you can whistle at when she walks by?  Husbands hate it when their neighbor whistles at the wife.  Or try exposing yourself outside his picture window but wear a first-rate mask.  But really, you should start using your public library at any rate.

Dear William:  My boss makes me sit on his lap while I’m taking dictation.  Sometimes I don’t like it. What should I do?

Dear Sec:  Tell your boss he’s really “old school.”  No one does that anymore unless you’re living in the Dominican Republic. Is your boss from the Dominican?  Tell him you’d like to meet for happy hour and talk about your next raise or you’ll go Me Too on him.

Dear William:  My girlfriend left me for Dennis Bach.  What should I do? 

Dear Un-friended:  Tell her Dennis isn’t what he used to be.  He’s cheap and bald and weighs about as much as his old truck.  If that doesn’t do it, send her to me.

Dear William:  I graduated from high school fifty years ago and I miss it.  What should I do?

Dear Grad:  You don’t miss high school, you miss being high school age.  Do you miss algebra and writing term papers? Try missing something else. 

Dear William:  My husband makes funny noises while he sleeps.  I can’t stand it.  Should I wake him?

Dear Deep Listener:  Let sleeping dogs lie.  He’s probably even more obnoxious when he’s awake. Think of it as your special time just for yourself.   

Dear William:  My husband watches True Crime Stories on TV and I think he’s learning of ways to do me in.  I don’t want to wake up dead.

Dear Worried:  It’s impossible to wake up dead.  But really, that show is good and I see why you might be a bit shy about all these couples offing each other.  Make sure there’s no life insurance out on you but plenty on him.


Ask Carolyn - May 2010
Ask Carolyn By Carolyn Comedo   DEAR CAROLYN: To say my husband snores is an understatement. He simultaneously sounds like a motorcycle, a runaway
Ask Carolyn - April 2010
Ask Carolyn By Carolyn Comedo   DEAR CAROLYN: I confessed to Father Gregory that I indulge in what he calls the solitary vice. He said it was the
Ask Carolyn - March 2010
Ask Carolyn By Carolyn Comedo   DEAR CAROLYN: Some years ago I met Eduardo on a double date. He swept me off my feet and we eloped. Soon I discovered
Ask Carolyn - February 2010
Ask Carolyn By Carolyn Comedo   DEAR CAROLYN: I am an eight year old school boy. I was born one month after my parents got married and weighed
Ask Carolyn - January 2010
Ask Carolyn By Carolyn Comedo   (Ed. Note: Carolyn has recently retired to Lakeside after a successful career counselling couples in the former
Wordwise With Pithy Wit - January 2011
Wordwise With Pithy Wit By Tom Clarkson   This morning, my pal F.T. – who shared the Iraq experience with me during my third trek there – forwarded
Victoria Schmidt
  VICTORIA SCHMIDT   Column: Editor’s Page   Website:   Victoria Schmidt came to Mexico with her husband, in 2007. 
Moonyeen Patricia King
    MOONYEEN PATRICIA KING   Column: Profiling Tepehua   Website:   Settled in Mexico 13 years ago.  The
Ken Masson
  KEN MASSON   Column: Bridge by the Lake   Website:   Ken Masson has been playing, teaching and writing about bridge
Alejandro Grattan-Dominguez
  ALEJANDRO GRATTAN-DOMINGUEZ   Column: Editor’s Page   Website:   Wrote/directed first movie about Mexican-Americans, Only