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Channel Surfing

By Tom Nussbaum

channelsurfing

 

I’m a chronic channel-surfer. I click from one TV channel to another faster than a dominating Jeopardy! champion rings in. In fact, I frequently click the remote before the picture has appeared on the screen. It is as if I were having a premonition, as if I have a gift from God that tells me that the channel I have just clicked on is airing programming that is neither important, nor interesting, nor relevant to me. Or, perhaps, it is just too depressing.

“. . . Good Morning, America, with Robin Roberts, George Stephanopoulos, and Michael Strahan.  And here is George”. . .”We have a breaking story. Let’s get right to the news. David Muir is in our nation’s capital where the president was . . .”

“. . .named the Biggest Loser last night on the season finale of NBC’s The Biggest Loser. The now-svelte 39-year-old Schenectady tattoo artist lost 164 . . .”

“. . .kilos of cocaine were found in a barn on the Kentucky farm of a retired Army general. The general  insists he knows nothing about the drugs, claiming he had rented the space to one of the state’s  . . .”

“. . . Senators  4, Chicago Black Hawks 3 in what many ice hockey fans say was the most violent game they had ever seen. Senator Forward Gregor Szabrezhniskova received two black . . .”

“. . .cocktail dresses designed by Home Shopping Network favorite Lance Pierce for only $39.99, plus shipping and handling. One dress features a sequined neckline while the other dress has spaghetti straps and . . .”

“. . .Ragu Sauce, the favorite of great chefs around the world.  And now diet Ragu is available at great stores everywhere.  Just ask your grocer to show you where you can find . . .”

“. . .his penis.  That now makes three celebrities photographed exposing themselves. First it was Justin Bieber, then Orlando Bloom, and now . . .”

“. . .Mr. Ed on Déjà Vu TV weeknights at 10, followed by John Ritter, Suzanne Somers, and Joyce DeWitt in Three’s . . .”

“. . .an orgy. The Alabama congressman, the priest, and the former NASCAR champ claim they were drugged in a Kentucky barn where they had been invited by . . .”

“. . . an unnamed senator who told Fox News. . . “

“. . . alternative facts is a euphemism for lies, Kellyanne. You didn’t present alternative facts, you, plain and simple, presented a pack of . . .”

“. . .gum for people with sensitive teeth, or who wear . . . “

“. . . the wrong-sized bra. Today Lila Pomerantz, Victoria’s Secret bra expert, will show us how to shop for the perfectly-fitting . . .”

“. . .condoms in our high schools. It is shocking and unbelievable. They’re available in the nurses’ offices, the bathrooms, and  . . .”

“. . .on The Gospel Hour with Reverend El Roy Dinwiddie at 7 o’clock Sunday morning. This week’s sermon will be aimed at our youth and unmarried adults. It will be about abstinence and . . .”

“. . .The Big Bang Theory Thursday at 8. What will Sheldon do when he thinks he is about to be awarded the Nobel Prize, but all he wins for his historic discovery . . .”

“. . . are tickets to Ellen. Just upload your videos of your dogs, cats, goldfish, or gerbils doing stupid things like. . .”

“. . .voting for Donald Trump. Many of his supporters are now asking themselves . . .”

“. . . ¿Estoy loco, Lucy? No puedo encontrar mi tambor de conga. ¿Dónde está?”  . . .  “Oh, Ricky, lo rompi . . .Waaaah! . . . Está en la basura porque . . .”

“. . .of the liberal media, namely CNN and its lying reporters like Anderson Cooper and . . .”

“. . . Kim Kardashian . . .”

“. . . will be nominated by the president to serve on his cabinet as Secretary of. . . “

“. . . Twitter. His latest 3 a.m. tweet inappropriately asked . . .”

“. . . Corinne, will you accept my. . .”

“. . . Rose Nyland and my other roommate Dorothy Zbornak and her mother Sofia. . . “

“. . . Vergara on a special episode of . . . “

“. . .Idiotest tonight on Game Show Net. . .”

“. . .work those abs Work ‘em. Three more.Two more. One. . .”

“. . . moron like the guy who decided to put childproof bottle caps on medications specifically for arthritic senior citizens or the man who created. . .“

“. . .the Manitoba Curling Championships live from . . . “

“. . .New York, it’s Saturday Night . . .”

“. . .dead from gunshot wounds. Witnesses say the assailant was dressed as a clown and resembled . . .”

“. . .Canadian sportscaster Don Cherry who will interview Wayne Gretsky, Patrick Chan, and . . .”

“. . .Frederick Douglass who died 122 years ago and who should be remembered and respected by all American’s, whether they are Black, or . . .”

“. . . orange like President Donald . . .”

“. . . Duck Soup with the Marx Brothers tomorrow at 8 on Turner Movie Classics. “

I clicked again. Suddenly, there was silence. The screen was frozen. A sign faced me announcing, “Attention, You are not currently subscribed to this channel. Please select another channel.”

Oh finally, I thought, something sensible I can watch. And I did.

 

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