Thoughts About Getting Older...

• The biggest lie I tell myself is ...”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

• Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

• Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!

• I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

• I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

• Old age is coming at a really bad time!

• Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

• My ‘people skills’ are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

• Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

• The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”

• I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

• Even duct tape can’t fix stupid—but it can muffle the sound!

• Of course I talk to myself! Sometimes I need expert advice.

• At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.