DON’T BLAME THE WRIGHT BROTHERS
By Bob Tennison
When I was a flight attendant, we would not have made flight announcements like some heard by passengers today. We would have found ourselves facing our supervisor for a reprimand. You may have heard or read some of these before. But will enjoy again. Hostess to boarding passenger on a crowded flight, “Okay, people, we’re not picking out furniture here, so just find a seat and get in it.”
On landing, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it is something we’d like to have.”
One airline policy required the First Officer to stand at the door as passengers deplaned, smile and say, “Thanks for flying with us today.” One day, he had hammered the ship into the runway on landing, so he had a difficult time looking the passengers in the eye. Finally everyone had deplaned except for a little old lady. She stopped in front of him and said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” He replied, “Well, no ma’am. What is it?” The little lady quietly questioned, “Did we land, or were we shot down?
After a turbulent landing in a thunderstorm in Memphis, a Northwest Airways flight attendant announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments, because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.”
During a final approach, the captain was really fighting the wind. After an extremely rough landing, the attendant announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened while Captain Kangaroo bumps what is left of our airplane to the gate.”
This emergency briefing got everybody’s attention. “Your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device in case of an over-water emergency landing. Please paddle to the shore and feel free to take it with you with our compliments.”
After a very hard landing in Denver, a Southwest Airlines flight attendant came on the intercom with, “That was quite a bump, and I know y’all agree. I am here to tell you, if it wasn’t the airlines’ fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
Following a wild landing in Phoenix, the attendant announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way out of the wreckage into the terminal.”
Another arrival announcement included, “We’d like to thank you for flying with us today, and hope the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, you’ll think of US Airways.”
Taking off from O’Hare in Chicago and after reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement on the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to American Airlines flight number 293 non-stop from Chicago to Dallas. Weather ahead is perfect. Therefore, we should have a smooth flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!” This followed by dead silence for what seemed an eternity to the passengers. After a several minutes he returned, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry, but while I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap, and you should see the front of my pants.” A passenger in the rear of the coach section yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
